A Night In Downtown Philly.

Originally written on August 20th, 2008

Wow, i dont really know where to start with all of this. Tonight was such a huge night for me. Before our trip we were asked to make hygiene kits, Bibles and blankets were collected and lunches were made. After all this, seemingly, difficult work and preparation we were only about to find out that our night was about to get a lot more difficult. We were taken to a park in the middle of Philly and we were sent out in groups to give out our supplies to the homeless. As we first got out of the van, people, who are used to vans coming and handing out food, began to swarm us and ask us for anything that they saw in our hands. We were all a little overwhelmed and none of us really felt prepared enough. I felt as though i’d gotten myself in way over my head, but as the flood of people began to subside I was able to calm down and really visualize the mission ahead of me. We walked around the park for a few hours and were able to visit with some of the lowliest of lowly people. As i began to talk to one man, John, I was overwhelmed with pain for this man. We talked with him for about ten minutes and during that time, I saw God in him so many times. As we were finishing up, and he was finishing his continual thanks for the food, blanket and water we had provided, we asked if we could pray for him. Unlike many of the people we had encountered previously, he was more than willing to join hands with us and pray. We all took turns praying for him, and finished the prayer not even thinking twice about the fact that he might want to pray also. So as we began to head out and get ready to carry on, he asked if it would be ok if he were to pray. We were all taken back so much, and were all so excited. So we took hands again and as we closed our eyes John started to pray for us. He prayed that we would be safe and that we would keep motivated and keep following God. I was in awe at all that was going on and i just hopelessly began to sob. Why is it that God chose me to have a house and a wonderful family, and especially for me to know Him? I am so fortunate, and yet i take it for granted so often. I realized that i am so selfish, because this past week i have been struggling with showering in a dirty shower. But here this man is, with absolutely nothing and he is more thankful to have two feet than i am to have everything that i have in my life. God showed me so much through this event and many of my prayers were answered, and decisions were confirmed. God is so good to me, and I am so excited to see what else is in store!!

2008 Summer Olympics.

As the rest of the world has been also, the past week i have been watching the Olympics religiously. And yes, ill admit that it's partly because of Michael Phelps :)
However, as i watched Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson win the top two medals in the women's all around gymnastics, and as i watch Michael Phelps along with so many other american swimmers crush world records, and especially when i watch Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh do an unbelievable job in Beach Volleyball I cant help feeling a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only way i know how to describe it is inadequacy. Sometimes i feel like i've let my family down so much by not being able to carry out with volleyball or gymnastics. At first it was just that i never really wanted to, but now that my back is injured i cant. It has been so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that i am no longer able to be involved in sports.
A few weeks ago i went camping with my family, and at the campground there was a sand volleyball court. Occasionally my dad and i would go up and work out some drills for me, but would have to stop soon because of my back tightening up. It was so hard, i miss the feeling of being able to go out on the court and dive into the sand, working so hard not to let the ball touch the ground.
Sometimes i think to myself, well - i still have my singing, which is very true. I have studied opera for 10 years now, and it is a huge part of my life. But sometimes i feel like im not even good enough at that. I wish that someone would be able to reassure me that singing is what im meant to do. Just like all these athletes know that their sport is what they're supposed to do. I get so jealous of these gymnasts who know at the ages of six and seven that they want to carry out gymnastics for the rest of their lives. I guess it was the same for me, I have been singing since i could talk and i started lessons when i was 7, but still -- some of them are younger than me and are internationally known for their skill...and here i am, just trying to make the lead in the musical my senior year of high school. I want so badly to know that all my studying of music and all my practice has paid off. I often think that maybe its because im wanting this for the wrong reasons. I mean, what little girl doesnt dream of being famous? I have all my life. But, not only would i like to be famous, but i want to bring glory to God. I think i just need to wait until my wanting to glorify God surpasses my wanting to be famous.
As for now, i'll just keep praying that God will bring me through these feelings, and that in time he will show me where my singing will bring glory to Him.

"when i stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice and i need man's approval, this journey is my own. Why would i want to live for man, and pay the highest price? What does it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life? You can't live for someone else, it will only bring you pain. I cant even judge myself, only the Lord can say 'well done.' "

wonder...

Has it ever occurred to you... why does everything bad happen in one day? it's like...this morning just sucked...and it all went down hill from there. I just dont understand it sometimes. I feel so helpless, and alone. I often walk through the halls of my school and am filled with anger, why is God so far from them? why do I have to be subject to hear all the crap people say? And then i realize, i cant be angry at them, they dont know any better. In fact, shame on me for not showing them what's right. Instead of being angry, i should show mercy and compassion. But sometimes it's just so hard. Today just went from bad to worse...and it just really never got better at all. Im struggling so much right now to trust God and wait for his timing, but it's just so hard...i feel stranded, and helpless. I feel like things are just going to keep getting worse. But then again, sometimes things have to get worse, before they can get better.

"I gotta keep singing, i gotta keep praising your name."

Sovereignty.

Here it is, lately i've struggled greatly with being single. Its something that i've always struggled with, but lately more than ever. I am, and always have been, a hopeless romantic...but for some reason, it seems that everyone has someone -- except me. I've been so bothered by this, that i've actually found myself almost lowering my standards in a guy, just to have someone. But, in church today, Dan preached on how we need to struggle through things, instead of taking the easy way out. I realized, that my lowering standards was my way of taking the easy way out...and that i need to keep my standards high, because it will benefit me in the end. The irony of this whole thing really overwhelmed me today. I had just been thinking and praying about it this morning, and then i show up at church and the sermon hit home like crazy. Sometimes, God's sovereignty takes my breath away. I can't stop thanking Him for helping keep me from making a decision that i would regret. Im sure i'll still struggle with this for a while...but at least now i know that God won't let me down, and that when im being an idiot, He'll hit me on the head with an awesome sermon. =] God is good! mmmkay -- Peace Out Girls Scouts.

"I don't doubt your sovereignty, i doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and i desperately want to do the right thing. But right now i dont hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so i could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying but right now, i think you're whispering...And somewhere in the back of my mind i think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine -- Lord I will wait to hear from You."

--Sara Groves

exhaustion at its fullest....

So, here i am again....procrastinating doing my homework...at 10:30 at night...oops.
Anyways, i got to thinking tonight, which can be dangerous. I never really realized just how great of a life i have. I realize that i have it so much better than starving kids in africa, or orphaned kids in china, but i have it significantly better than people here in my own town even. As i was waiting for 9:00 to come around at work tonight, a woman who often comes in drunk, came to my register. I sat there, counting out $1.20 in beer cans, and i realized that something crazy must have happened to this woman, for her to depend on alcohol so much to get herself through her day. She began to tell me about her life, and though i could understand little of it through the slurring and the cussing, i saw a sadness in her eyes that i had never cared to see before. This woman shared with me so much stuff about her life, and i so badly wanted to pray for her right then and there....but she probably wouldnt have liked it, and i would have gotten fired. Id rather not die on that hill. But anyways...i realized that i have nothing to complain about. Lately, ive struggled with feeling apathetic to just about everything in my life. Im never content with where im at, and just dont really care about anything. But as i listened to this woman speak, God showed me that i have so much compared to this woman. She is middle aged, and quite an alcoholic...and that's how her life is going to be. I however, am young, i can still make life changing decisions...if i take the chance to really care about whats going to happen with me in the future.

--yeah.

Famine 08.

so, here i am again. Thirteen hours into my famine...and already feeling some minor hunger pains. I realized, though, that the reason this is so difficult for me isnt because im addicted to food...but more because it is so habitual for our culture to just eat. Whether it be out of boredom, sadness, or real hunger...we just eat. It was awkward for me to wake up this morning and not go get my usual bagel and coffee. But as i sat and thought about it, i wasnt really hungry, i was just used to waking up and getting breakfast. I know it is often said that our culture is ungrateful for the things we have, but doing this really helps me understand it. We have so much in our lives, and not just food-wise. We have so much to be grateful for...this is why i do the famine. Not only is it awesome to help out a culture full of people that i may never meet, but i learn so much about myself. Granted, towards the end i get to be somewhat delirious, but dont we all? Needless to say, im really excited to see what the rest of this day, and tomorrow has to offer. I am so ready for God to open me up, and show me things.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.
Hebrews 13:2

---Good luck today, Elevators. We made an awesome impact last year, lets make an even better one this
year! i know we can do it!

My Birthday!

so, today i turned 17. it wasn't really all that thrilling....but im 17 none the less. I did get breakfast in bed and a nice dinner made for me. And Liz brought me an awesome gift...but i just dont see why people make such a big deal out of birthdays. Its kinda been boggling my mind all day....why do i get to make all these choices just because 17 years ago i was born on this day? Dont get me wrong, i really dont mind being treated like a princess and getting presents and stuff...but i just dont get it. hmmm. think about it... in the meantime...goodnight*