...absence makes the heart grow fonder...?

"Maybe we should take a break..." those six words were probably the hardest words I've ever muttered in my life. Hence the reason the came out muffled and filled with tears. Right after the left my lips, I instantly regretted them. I had just opened a door that I had no control over whether or not we, as a couple, would walk through. I was in the most vulnerable position of my life, and I was terrified. The answer was yes, we needed to be apart from each other for a few days. No contact. No seeing each other. No phone calls. No instant messages. No texts. Nothing. I had been so frustrated when I said it, that I didn't care what the answer was, but as we mutually decided it was the best idea so far I was filled with fear. This could be it. What if he finds someone better? Or he just realized he was happier without me. I couldn't bear to think about what would happen to me emotionally if we ended things, so I went to bed. Crying myself to sleep I cried out to God. I knew He was the only one who could soothe me. I cried and cried asking God to keep us together, to help us work it out. I knew we would, but there was always a chance that things would end. I woke up miserable the next morning. I knew we couldn't make contact, and it scared me. For the six months we'd been together, I had hardly ever gone a day without at least talking to him over the phone or instant messenger, or text. But I couldn't do it. The worst part was signing online to see that he was on too. Ten minutes went by, and not a word from either of us. What was he thinking? Was he resentful? Was he relieved that I wasn't talking to him? It scared me, ever fiber in my being wanted to talk to him. I went on through the day, and he was all I could think about. I silently kept a conversation going with God, asking him to restore our hearts and our relationship in this time. As I prayed the song Roll to the Middle by Sara Groves kept ringing in my mind. I know things will turn out fine, I know that our love is enough to keep us moving forward. At the end of the day, no matter what, we need to love each other and forgive each other. If we can't do that, how will we get by?

"We just had a World War III here in our kitchen. We both thought the meanest things, and then we both said them. We shot at each other till we lost ammunition. This is how I know our love, this is when I feel it's power: here in the absence of it, this is my darkest hour. When both of us are hunkered down and waiting for the truce. All the complicated wars, they end pretty simple. Here when the lights go out, we roll to the middle. No matter how my pride resists, no matter how the wall feels true, no matter how I can't be sure that you're gonna roll in to. No matter what, no matter what, I'm gonna reach for you."
-Roll to the Middle, Sara Groves

Difficulties.

Why is it that at the most pivotal moments, I just close up? I'm faced with something extraordinary, and all I can do is back away. I've never known what it is to put myself in the most vulnerable of positions, and now I fear I'll never know. It was such a fun time, and all I could do was avoid it because of fear. Fear of failure and fear of rejection, and fear of love...or something close to it. I want to apologize to the person that I put in this position. You are amazing, and if the chance ever comes up again it won't be turned down. I have no reason not to feel safe with you.