However, as i watched Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson win the top two medals in the women's all around gymnastics, and as i watch Michael Phelps along with so many other american swimmers crush world records, and especially when i watch Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh do an unbelievable job in Beach Volleyball I cant help feeling a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only way i know how to describe it is inadequacy. Sometimes i feel like i've let my family down so much by not being able to carry out with volleyball or gymnastics. At first it was just that i never really wanted to, but now that my back is injured i cant. It has been so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that i am no longer able to be involved in sports.
A few weeks ago i went camping with my family, and at the campground there was a sand volleyball court. Occasionally my dad and i would go up and work out some drills for me, but would have to stop soon because of my back tightening up. It was so hard, i miss the feeling of being able to go out on the court and dive into the sand, working so hard not to let the ball touch the ground.
Sometimes i think to myself, well - i still have my singing, which is very true. I have studied opera for 10 years now, and it is a huge part of my life. But sometimes i feel like im not even good enough at that. I wish that someone would be able to reassure me that singing is what im meant to do. Just like all these athletes know that their sport is what they're supposed to do. I get so jealous of these gymnasts who know at the ages of six and seven that they want to carry out gymnastics for the rest of their lives. I guess it was the same for me, I have been singing since i could talk and i started lessons when i was 7, but still -- some of them are younger than me and are internationally known for their skill...and here i am, just trying to make the lead in the musical my senior year of high school. I want so badly to know that all my studying of music and all my practice has paid off. I often think that maybe its because im wanting this for the wrong reasons. I mean, what little girl doesnt dream of being famous? I have all my life. But, not only would i like to be famous, but i want to bring glory to God. I think i just need to wait until my wanting to glorify God surpasses my wanting to be famous.
As for now, i'll just keep praying that God will bring me through these feelings, and that in time he will show me where my singing will bring glory to Him.
"when i stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice and i need man's approval, this journey is my own. Why would i want to live for man, and pay the highest price? What does it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life? You can't live for someone else, it will only bring you pain. I cant even judge myself, only the Lord can say 'well done.' "
