...absence makes the heart grow fonder...?

"Maybe we should take a break..." those six words were probably the hardest words I've ever muttered in my life. Hence the reason the came out muffled and filled with tears. Right after the left my lips, I instantly regretted them. I had just opened a door that I had no control over whether or not we, as a couple, would walk through. I was in the most vulnerable position of my life, and I was terrified. The answer was yes, we needed to be apart from each other for a few days. No contact. No seeing each other. No phone calls. No instant messages. No texts. Nothing. I had been so frustrated when I said it, that I didn't care what the answer was, but as we mutually decided it was the best idea so far I was filled with fear. This could be it. What if he finds someone better? Or he just realized he was happier without me. I couldn't bear to think about what would happen to me emotionally if we ended things, so I went to bed. Crying myself to sleep I cried out to God. I knew He was the only one who could soothe me. I cried and cried asking God to keep us together, to help us work it out. I knew we would, but there was always a chance that things would end. I woke up miserable the next morning. I knew we couldn't make contact, and it scared me. For the six months we'd been together, I had hardly ever gone a day without at least talking to him over the phone or instant messenger, or text. But I couldn't do it. The worst part was signing online to see that he was on too. Ten minutes went by, and not a word from either of us. What was he thinking? Was he resentful? Was he relieved that I wasn't talking to him? It scared me, ever fiber in my being wanted to talk to him. I went on through the day, and he was all I could think about. I silently kept a conversation going with God, asking him to restore our hearts and our relationship in this time. As I prayed the song Roll to the Middle by Sara Groves kept ringing in my mind. I know things will turn out fine, I know that our love is enough to keep us moving forward. At the end of the day, no matter what, we need to love each other and forgive each other. If we can't do that, how will we get by?

"We just had a World War III here in our kitchen. We both thought the meanest things, and then we both said them. We shot at each other till we lost ammunition. This is how I know our love, this is when I feel it's power: here in the absence of it, this is my darkest hour. When both of us are hunkered down and waiting for the truce. All the complicated wars, they end pretty simple. Here when the lights go out, we roll to the middle. No matter how my pride resists, no matter how the wall feels true, no matter how I can't be sure that you're gonna roll in to. No matter what, no matter what, I'm gonna reach for you."
-Roll to the Middle, Sara Groves

Difficulties.

Why is it that at the most pivotal moments, I just close up? I'm faced with something extraordinary, and all I can do is back away. I've never known what it is to put myself in the most vulnerable of positions, and now I fear I'll never know. It was such a fun time, and all I could do was avoid it because of fear. Fear of failure and fear of rejection, and fear of love...or something close to it. I want to apologize to the person that I put in this position. You are amazing, and if the chance ever comes up again it won't be turned down. I have no reason not to feel safe with you.

A Night In Downtown Philly.

Originally written on August 20th, 2008

Wow, i dont really know where to start with all of this. Tonight was such a huge night for me. Before our trip we were asked to make hygiene kits, Bibles and blankets were collected and lunches were made. After all this, seemingly, difficult work and preparation we were only about to find out that our night was about to get a lot more difficult. We were taken to a park in the middle of Philly and we were sent out in groups to give out our supplies to the homeless. As we first got out of the van, people, who are used to vans coming and handing out food, began to swarm us and ask us for anything that they saw in our hands. We were all a little overwhelmed and none of us really felt prepared enough. I felt as though i’d gotten myself in way over my head, but as the flood of people began to subside I was able to calm down and really visualize the mission ahead of me. We walked around the park for a few hours and were able to visit with some of the lowliest of lowly people. As i began to talk to one man, John, I was overwhelmed with pain for this man. We talked with him for about ten minutes and during that time, I saw God in him so many times. As we were finishing up, and he was finishing his continual thanks for the food, blanket and water we had provided, we asked if we could pray for him. Unlike many of the people we had encountered previously, he was more than willing to join hands with us and pray. We all took turns praying for him, and finished the prayer not even thinking twice about the fact that he might want to pray also. So as we began to head out and get ready to carry on, he asked if it would be ok if he were to pray. We were all taken back so much, and were all so excited. So we took hands again and as we closed our eyes John started to pray for us. He prayed that we would be safe and that we would keep motivated and keep following God. I was in awe at all that was going on and i just hopelessly began to sob. Why is it that God chose me to have a house and a wonderful family, and especially for me to know Him? I am so fortunate, and yet i take it for granted so often. I realized that i am so selfish, because this past week i have been struggling with showering in a dirty shower. But here this man is, with absolutely nothing and he is more thankful to have two feet than i am to have everything that i have in my life. God showed me so much through this event and many of my prayers were answered, and decisions were confirmed. God is so good to me, and I am so excited to see what else is in store!!

2008 Summer Olympics.

As the rest of the world has been also, the past week i have been watching the Olympics religiously. And yes, ill admit that it's partly because of Michael Phelps :)
However, as i watched Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson win the top two medals in the women's all around gymnastics, and as i watch Michael Phelps along with so many other american swimmers crush world records, and especially when i watch Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh do an unbelievable job in Beach Volleyball I cant help feeling a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only way i know how to describe it is inadequacy. Sometimes i feel like i've let my family down so much by not being able to carry out with volleyball or gymnastics. At first it was just that i never really wanted to, but now that my back is injured i cant. It has been so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that i am no longer able to be involved in sports.
A few weeks ago i went camping with my family, and at the campground there was a sand volleyball court. Occasionally my dad and i would go up and work out some drills for me, but would have to stop soon because of my back tightening up. It was so hard, i miss the feeling of being able to go out on the court and dive into the sand, working so hard not to let the ball touch the ground.
Sometimes i think to myself, well - i still have my singing, which is very true. I have studied opera for 10 years now, and it is a huge part of my life. But sometimes i feel like im not even good enough at that. I wish that someone would be able to reassure me that singing is what im meant to do. Just like all these athletes know that their sport is what they're supposed to do. I get so jealous of these gymnasts who know at the ages of six and seven that they want to carry out gymnastics for the rest of their lives. I guess it was the same for me, I have been singing since i could talk and i started lessons when i was 7, but still -- some of them are younger than me and are internationally known for their skill...and here i am, just trying to make the lead in the musical my senior year of high school. I want so badly to know that all my studying of music and all my practice has paid off. I often think that maybe its because im wanting this for the wrong reasons. I mean, what little girl doesnt dream of being famous? I have all my life. But, not only would i like to be famous, but i want to bring glory to God. I think i just need to wait until my wanting to glorify God surpasses my wanting to be famous.
As for now, i'll just keep praying that God will bring me through these feelings, and that in time he will show me where my singing will bring glory to Him.

"when i stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice and i need man's approval, this journey is my own. Why would i want to live for man, and pay the highest price? What does it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life? You can't live for someone else, it will only bring you pain. I cant even judge myself, only the Lord can say 'well done.' "

wonder...

Has it ever occurred to you... why does everything bad happen in one day? it's like...this morning just sucked...and it all went down hill from there. I just dont understand it sometimes. I feel so helpless, and alone. I often walk through the halls of my school and am filled with anger, why is God so far from them? why do I have to be subject to hear all the crap people say? And then i realize, i cant be angry at them, they dont know any better. In fact, shame on me for not showing them what's right. Instead of being angry, i should show mercy and compassion. But sometimes it's just so hard. Today just went from bad to worse...and it just really never got better at all. Im struggling so much right now to trust God and wait for his timing, but it's just so hard...i feel stranded, and helpless. I feel like things are just going to keep getting worse. But then again, sometimes things have to get worse, before they can get better.

"I gotta keep singing, i gotta keep praising your name."

Sovereignty.

Here it is, lately i've struggled greatly with being single. Its something that i've always struggled with, but lately more than ever. I am, and always have been, a hopeless romantic...but for some reason, it seems that everyone has someone -- except me. I've been so bothered by this, that i've actually found myself almost lowering my standards in a guy, just to have someone. But, in church today, Dan preached on how we need to struggle through things, instead of taking the easy way out. I realized, that my lowering standards was my way of taking the easy way out...and that i need to keep my standards high, because it will benefit me in the end. The irony of this whole thing really overwhelmed me today. I had just been thinking and praying about it this morning, and then i show up at church and the sermon hit home like crazy. Sometimes, God's sovereignty takes my breath away. I can't stop thanking Him for helping keep me from making a decision that i would regret. Im sure i'll still struggle with this for a while...but at least now i know that God won't let me down, and that when im being an idiot, He'll hit me on the head with an awesome sermon. =] God is good! mmmkay -- Peace Out Girls Scouts.

"I don't doubt your sovereignty, i doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and i desperately want to do the right thing. But right now i dont hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so i could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying but right now, i think you're whispering...And somewhere in the back of my mind i think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine -- Lord I will wait to hear from You."

--Sara Groves

exhaustion at its fullest....

So, here i am again....procrastinating doing my homework...at 10:30 at night...oops.
Anyways, i got to thinking tonight, which can be dangerous. I never really realized just how great of a life i have. I realize that i have it so much better than starving kids in africa, or orphaned kids in china, but i have it significantly better than people here in my own town even. As i was waiting for 9:00 to come around at work tonight, a woman who often comes in drunk, came to my register. I sat there, counting out $1.20 in beer cans, and i realized that something crazy must have happened to this woman, for her to depend on alcohol so much to get herself through her day. She began to tell me about her life, and though i could understand little of it through the slurring and the cussing, i saw a sadness in her eyes that i had never cared to see before. This woman shared with me so much stuff about her life, and i so badly wanted to pray for her right then and there....but she probably wouldnt have liked it, and i would have gotten fired. Id rather not die on that hill. But anyways...i realized that i have nothing to complain about. Lately, ive struggled with feeling apathetic to just about everything in my life. Im never content with where im at, and just dont really care about anything. But as i listened to this woman speak, God showed me that i have so much compared to this woman. She is middle aged, and quite an alcoholic...and that's how her life is going to be. I however, am young, i can still make life changing decisions...if i take the chance to really care about whats going to happen with me in the future.

--yeah.